Phantoms

As I drove home last night, I was thinking to myself how certain things have become superstition to me. It was a moment of clarity where I saw myself from without and understood how, like a caged monkey rocking back and forth to comfort itself from the torture of it's masters, my mind races to assemble some sort of sense in an otherwise random existence. Vague enough?

I've been trying to talk to a therapist for about four days because I'm concerned for myself after allowing an unhealthy person to get into my head for so long, and perpetuate an abusive relationship, you guessed it, for so long.

The therapist and I have exchanged voicemails for four days, and on the last day I began to think, "Maybe it's not 'meant to be'", or perhaps "It is more valuable because it is difficult to overcome the difficulty of making contact." Then I thought to myself how absurd I sounded, and how desperate I seemed for some kind of meaning.

I just want to talk some shit out. And I'm *really* busy. And the therapist is *really* busy. I have no evidence of destiny writ in the stars, or on ancient scrolls, deigning to reach down and steer the course of my life.

And what's funny is moments after I had this visit from clarity of mind, the therapist called, I answered, and now I have an appointment to talk with her.

So there was no hidden meaning, or difficulty to overcome, some metaphysical obstacle to surmount.

Or maybe once I realized what a mind game I was playing with myself, I had in fact overcome the very obstacle I am describing as non-existant....

******

I got home later that night and saw, for a moment saw a little ghost of a light in my vision. It was only there for a moment, it was about the size of my thumb, and about two feet in front of me. I was tired so it was most likely a mind trick, but it made me wonder....

And speaking of being tired, I turned on the TV and sat on the couch, and proceeded to drift off to sleep, and at some point later, I felt a person, someone familiar, close to me on the couch. She leaned in, as if to be closer and it startled me awake. I could feel the air compress between us, I could feel her heat, I could feel her eyes looking at me. I felt her weight on the couch.

I was a bit disoriented for a second after waking, and then realized it was just a dream. Or a phantom.

25 years of marriage is hot !!!

Well, Peter and Lois of 'Family Guy' are my inspiration for relationships. It's no secret I wish to be a family man, and these two really have it going on. Now, I don't know exactly how long they've been married, but there is a commitment there you don't see everyday... and I have no doubt they'll make 25 years and beyond.

But really, it's my own mother and stepfather who've made it 25 years, and for some reason, that is just amazing. They been through the thick and the thin, and they've earned their marriage every step of the way. They love each other, and to me, they are becoming like buddhist masters of marriage. When you focus on something for so long you become deft at it. They wield their marriage like a Neo wields the Matrix.

But, as much as I love my mother, Lois is way hotter.....

fortune cookies and porn

It's not a clever blog title, it's just a sampler platter.

I realized the other day, there are two types of people in the world. Those who keep their fortunes, and those who don't. If you don't know what I'm talking about, well, it's fortune cookies. We aren't very far from the topic line, so try to keep up.

I keep my fortunes, so I'm one of those. The fortune I got the other day states, simply, "Enjoy what you have, hope for what you lack." Well, I mean, that's pretty sound advice, and while I agree with it, it's not really a fortune. But don't get me wrong, I don't feel screwed out of an actual fortune. I think, perhaps, on some metaphysical level, this is exactly what I need to hear right now in my life. I have much to be thankful for, and I should not sacriface that in the face of whatever loss I've been through recently (see the divorce blog, however incomplete it may be). And not only am I still rich with friends, and things, and myself and all that I am, on top of that (!) (this is where it gets good), there is the promise of more good stuff to come. I mean, when you spin it like that, that's a damn good 'fortune' cookie.

On the other side, I told Rebecca tonight, that when we get off the phone, I'm going to put on some porn, get high (I don't get high anymore), and cry. I didn't watch porn either. So I guess all I really did is cry.

Some shit you just can't escape.....

p.s. I saw Opeth tonight at the Wiltern...... they melted my face off. I bow to their superior rockatude.

So I said to Marquis...

... and I offered him use of this so he'd have a blog to post, but he wouldn't have it. And I understand, as he pointed out, that he has a level of integrity to maintain in his blogs. I don't maintain that same level of integrity, and so...

It's good to know, that, if you buy biodegradeable laundry detergent, you can, if you wish, pour that shit out right on the ground and it won't hurt a thing. If I was rich, I'd buy like a hundred jugs of biodegradeable laundry detergent and pour it out right in the parking lot of the store where I bought them. For no good reason....

It's like...

...planting flowers in a dustbowl.

Do they flourish? Transform the dustbowl? Are they overwhelmed by the cosmic dustyness, itself a thinly veiled reference for the lack of life giving sustinance? Will they bring color, bright greens, yellows, oranges even (!) to the grey pale dustiness, the grey dusty blueness of the sky, itself devoid of life, a mirror, reflecting the aforementioned dusty bowl? Will the flower push up and crack the cement like dusty bowl's floor, sending cracks in every direction, shattering the land and the sky?

Well?