Phantoms

As I drove home last night, I was thinking to myself how certain things have become superstition to me. It was a moment of clarity where I saw myself from without and understood how, like a caged monkey rocking back and forth to comfort itself from the torture of it's masters, my mind races to assemble some sort of sense in an otherwise random existence. Vague enough?

I've been trying to talk to a therapist for about four days because I'm concerned for myself after allowing an unhealthy person to get into my head for so long, and perpetuate an abusive relationship, you guessed it, for so long.

The therapist and I have exchanged voicemails for four days, and on the last day I began to think, "Maybe it's not 'meant to be'", or perhaps "It is more valuable because it is difficult to overcome the difficulty of making contact." Then I thought to myself how absurd I sounded, and how desperate I seemed for some kind of meaning.

I just want to talk some shit out. And I'm *really* busy. And the therapist is *really* busy. I have no evidence of destiny writ in the stars, or on ancient scrolls, deigning to reach down and steer the course of my life.

And what's funny is moments after I had this visit from clarity of mind, the therapist called, I answered, and now I have an appointment to talk with her.

So there was no hidden meaning, or difficulty to overcome, some metaphysical obstacle to surmount.

Or maybe once I realized what a mind game I was playing with myself, I had in fact overcome the very obstacle I am describing as non-existant....

******

I got home later that night and saw, for a moment saw a little ghost of a light in my vision. It was only there for a moment, it was about the size of my thumb, and about two feet in front of me. I was tired so it was most likely a mind trick, but it made me wonder....

And speaking of being tired, I turned on the TV and sat on the couch, and proceeded to drift off to sleep, and at some point later, I felt a person, someone familiar, close to me on the couch. She leaned in, as if to be closer and it startled me awake. I could feel the air compress between us, I could feel her heat, I could feel her eyes looking at me. I felt her weight on the couch.

I was a bit disoriented for a second after waking, and then realized it was just a dream. Or a phantom.