The evolution of mankind.

Okay, so. You've got coffee cups, right? And many many times they have something clever or wonderful printed on them, a picture of a beloved hound dog, or an advertisement for the local printing shop, or a cartoon about a couple having sex before having this cup of coffee...

That is all fine and dandy, but I've noticed (not that I am some kind of coffee cup connoisseur, but I do take pleasure in a fine example of that species of beverage transport...) that most of these cups with some sort of graphical image or message on them only have the image on one side. And that side is the one that points out when holding the cup in your left hand and inwards when holding the cup in your right hand.

Now you are saying to yourself, "Self, what the hell is he on about?" (which is the way a Brit might put it.) Or, "Self, do you give a shit, 'cause I don't!" (which is the way most Americans might put it.)

Regardless of which you are, or whether you are something else altogether the point remains the same. The graphic is outward in the left hand and inwards in the right hand.

I don't know about you, but I am, and so are 70 to 90 percent of all human beings, right handed. If you are left handed then I feel bad for you. Evolution has decided that, because you are prone to paranoia, alcoholism, Crohn's disease, accidents and dying young, that you will (in Darwinian fashion) not be selected to continue down the future path of our species. As I like to say, too bad for you. Shoulda been right handed...

So even thought right handers are the outright majority, and we are also superiour to our cave dwelling, left handed ancestors... most coffee cups still have to be held in the left hand in order for the graphic printed on the cup to be seen by anyone other than your belly button.

If I hold the cup I am drinking coffee from right now, a nice example of a retro coffee cup printed with the label of the ol' A. H. Perfect & Co.'s Perfect Coffee Brand coffee (how's that for 1950's advertising redundancy? I love that shit.), in my left hand, which I am doing now because I am typing and so I use my 'back up' hand to do the menial work of lifting so my right hand can be free to hover over the keyboard as I consider my next run on sentence, I cannot myself see the graphic. But I am not looking at the graphic. I am drinking from the cup, so I cannot see the sides of the cup at all, and if I can, I've probably spilled the coffee all over my lap and laptop. In which case you won't get to read this, (unless I use the 'recover option' to finish it off and post it, you may never know which has happened!!!).

Here's the sticking point... if I should lift the cup with my right hand, then the graphic is facing inward, and as I just pointed out (stay with me, I know the science of coffee cup imagery orientation is quite obtuse...) I can't see the sides, and so I can't see the graphic... but neither can anyone else, because when I'm drinking the picture is pointing at my crotch.

So to sum up where we are at this long winded moment, in the left hand, the image is out for others to see, in the right, the image is in for the crotch to see.

But wait. "Hey, run-on-sentence-dude," you're saying, I can hear you ya know, "but you said that when you're typing you use your inferior hand to lift the coffee." Your point being that the picture is operating correctly and effectively.

This is true, and it is quite effective when used thusly. But think about it. If I am working and the left handed is lifting in an absent minded way, I am most likely to not have somebody standing (or sitting) in front of me admiring my awesome coffee cup. On the other hand ('other hand' get it? oh ha. I really didn't mean that intentionally, it just happened, sorry.), if the cup is sitting so that I lift it with my right hand, utterly stopping any work or thought process, then I, myself can view and appreciate the image. For a split second before my nethers get to see the image they've seen dozens of times already if hafting ye ol' coffee mug with the right hand.

So in a lonely situation, having the graphic oriented for the left hand simply serves no purpose other than to prevent you, the very user of this coffee cup, from enjoying the image in any fashion, unless you hold it to your face with your right hand prior to chugging. I don't do that, maybe you do, but then I'm guessing you're left handed...

But if I am in a situation, socially, and I am right handed, like so many of us are, then science dictates an extremely large probability that my cup will be in my right hand. And the image will be pointing at my belly. Maybe pondering the fate of the cup's contents, if it could ponder, which it cannot since it is a lifeless object.

And now I have illustrated to you the conundrum of imagery printed on coffee cups. I am of the opinion that perhaps the Society of Coffee Cup Imagery Location has some kind of left handed Illuminati type hold at upper echelon of it's committee. Or maybe it's an anachronism from a time when left handers roamed the earth.

Either way, it bugs me out. I want to use my right hand the way God intended it. And I do not want to deny people watching me drink coffee the pure pleasure of my cup's totally sweet picture. Or clever phrase. Or brand marque. Or whatever else you stick to the side of one of those...