How's this?

First, I hope I don't leave anything out, this is really important, and I've been writing this post in my head already and usually the words and thoughts float out as fast as they float in. It's a rough life blogging things.

Okay, so let's try something new.

I'm a wordy sonofabitch. I started out thinking about an email I'm going to write, and it starts out simple enough and before I know it, it's a paragraph long and what I'm doing is writing a page just to explain the one sentence. It's like I can't just say the one thing. I have to make sure that every angle as to why I'm saying it is covered so there is no misunderstanding, or some kind of special insight into why I've been motivated to say the thing in the first place. It's like the impetus is more important than the thing itself.

I don't know. I'm weird.

I slept late today. I don't feel that good.

I posted a blog before this one.

I posted to my opialympia blog, which I keep for my artwork. That thing is picking up steam since I started it just a couple months ago. That makes me happy. The link is over there -> if you're at all interested.

I did some stuff on the computer afterwards. Some photo and art stuff.

I kinda did nothing for a little bit.

I've been feeling anxious today. Like having energy without focus.

No, like being aware time is passing and not doing enough with it. That's bugging me. Which is interesting because I was motivated to make myself a list of goals that I'd like to meet in the coming year. Not really a New Years resolution come early or anything, I just want to be more than I am right now.

I go to work, and that gives me purpose. I used to be married, and that gave me purpose. In the last year of the marriage all I was really focused on was getting us together, and starting a family. I don't have that anymore, and I'm not really sure what to do with myself. So I'm trying to get back to my creative stuff.

I discovered something about myself, something that was missing in my marriage, and I don't know how to describe it. I think... I know now how it is supposed to feel, how it is supposed to work, and now I see how I've been doing it all wrong. Well, wrong for me at any rate. I know without a doubt what I want or need in my relationship, should I ever be so lucky as to find it... There's more to this, but I'm not sure what to think of some of it. It has me confused, although it's not bad, there are just some contradictions that I have trouble wrapping my brain around. I know that it'll come clear in time. But I'm an impatient bastard, in truth.

It's like this: back when I first was separated, I had to by some new furniture. And I didn't want to buy cheap junk, I wanted stuff that would last a long time. Something substantial, something mine. One of the most important pieces of furniture, to me, is the coffee table. This is the center of a room, and it sets the character of a home, in my opinion. Anyhow, I knew what I wanted. I knew that when I saw it, I would know without a doubt that would be the coffee table for me. I turned into this high maintenance picky asshole. Angie took me around to I don't know how many furniture stores across L.A. and eventually she got frustrated with me. I think to the point that she didn't really want to help me look for one anymore. The process took a couple months, but I did find the thing.

One day I was walking down to the improv studio which is just a 5 minute walk from my apartment and literally 30 yards from my place, there was a furniture store, a little boutique place (it's not there anymore, not sure if it closed or just moved) and I just looked in casually and there it was. My coffee table. I walked in and bought it. And now it sits right here next to me. (I'm typing this on the floor on my 8 billion year old laptop, which I call a slaptop, because I have it plugged into my mixer which I use as a stereo receiver, so I can use it as an internet radio receiver. Pretty cool huh? Yeah, but my neck is starting to hurt and my right foot fell asleep.)

The point is, what I want in a relationship is that coffee table. I know it when I see it. I am terribly aware of that now, where as before I just wanted to find somebody to plug into that place in my life. Well, I realize now that won't work.

See how long winded that was? That's what I'm talking about. It's like some kind of mental vomit. I could actually go on more, but I feel like I've got it about 80% covered, and I just have to let the OCD take a break for a few minutes. It's hard to do sometimes.

And now I've forgotten a few of those things...

I dropped a small metal basket on my two toes next to the pinky toe on my left foot. I cracked the bones. What's funny is, when I walk around the house barefoot, they hurt all the time. I'm currently getting a slight shooting pain up the bottom of my foot. Great. But when I wear shoes they hurt much less. Strange.

This post (and the aforementioned email) started stampeding through my head as I was finishing up my shower here at 4 in the afternoon.

I took a 40 minute shower. I turned it on hat and sat down. I just sat there for awhile as my brain chattered on and on.

Now I'm going to run up to Whole Foods and by some food that's good for me, but which is a bit expensive... ah well.

But I think I'll also stop by Carl's Jr. and get a delicious hamburger. Man I'm craving one of those right now in a bad way.

I haven't eaten all day.

I'm staying home tonight. Alone. Maybe I'll watch a movie, or read my book. I'm reading Olympus, the second book to Illium, written by Dan Simmons. I'm quite a fan of his stories. This one is ridiculously complicated. Also, and I think I noticed this before but, Dan must have forgotten more classical literature than I've ever contemplated reading. That man has got to be one well read son of a gun.

Son of a gun. Now there's a phrase you never hear anymore.

I saw Demolition Man last night after Battlestar Galactica. 'Hurtlock' is a word that has joined my lexicon. Although they don't explain it in the movie, nor do we actually see one used, 'hurtlock' appears to be some kind of fighting move, such as a lock or hold in wrestling, designed to do nothing other than hurt the person receiving this lock. Too bad for them. They got put in a hurtlock.

Also, I really liked this phrase. I'm going to put it in random places from now on.

"You're the guy that was standing outside Taco Bell"

That's good stuff.

So there is a retardly long post that was really meant to be just a dumb list of diary like events from my day.

Cool words used in this post:

aforementioned
lexicon
hurtlock