It's all about tabasco

800 years ago, I met this person. They blew up in a fiery explosion. It took me over 100 years to put out the fire. It was pretty gross. I lost my eyebrows. And the tips of my fingers. But you know, that's how things go. So I spent the other less than 700 years roaming the desert. I saw several mirages, and one soccer team on a bus going somewhere, I think to a game, not sure, there was an old WWII fighter plane, but it was crashed and rusted into decay, kinda cool if I'd had a camera, but a camera shop is one of the things I didn't come across in that desert. Somewhere around the 500 year mark (500 years ago, not 500 years since the explosion), I awoke from a terrible dream, I was shaking and dripping with sweat. I drank my own sweat because in the desert you recycle that shit. Anyhow, in this dream I saw a shadow that blotted out the sky, the sky was bright white and this shadow was like a man in a cloak with a hood and he had giant black wings. All he said was "Shame on me" as in shame on him, not me, I'm telling it third person here. And he hovered there, menacing but not advancing on me. Weird I know. So that was the dream. I found a hot dog stand several days later, but no one was there. I had to cook my own hot dogs. That *really* pissed me off. I'd been in the desert like 300 fucking years and I had to cook my own hot dog. I continued then, on my walk and came upon a giant sunken hole in the desert. I had to climb down to cross. It was about a mile deep. Good thing I had several hundred years to waste. I climbed up the other side and continued walking. At some point all my clothes rotted off me. I think I lost my teeth somewhere along the way. A family of crows nested in my hair. They didn't seem bothered by the human that was attached underneath. Anyway, after another 200 years, I came to a tobacco shop. They were closed for the winter, which was strange because it was in the desert, but whatever. I wasn't familiar with local customs. I got ran over by a semi-truck not 2 miles from the tobacco shop. Sucks, I know. So, let's see this brings me up to 300 years ago. Now this is where things get strange. I came to the ocean. Yeah. FINALLY. So I drank some of the water. I know, I know, it's salt water, right? Yeah, I went insane. Thoroughly nuts. I ate that family of crows that lived in my hair, bones, beak and all. Then I ate my left arm. It was chewy, I think. Then I swam out to a small island. The island was your typical cartoon island, a round beach with a palm tree in the middle. I sat there for 100 years, and every 7 months, the tree would unload like a truckload of coconuts onto my head. After awhile, my skull started to flatten out. When I finally became un-insane, I realized what I had done. So I said a prayer for the crows and asked for their forgiveness. I also asked myself for forgiveness for eating my own arm. I mean, that really sucked. At this point I realized there never had been any ocean (remember I said 700 years in the desert) and all that time I was 'drinking' sand, and sitting under an oil derrick that kept pumping up and down. I think it had ran out of oil a long time ago. So I still had 200 years to go walking in the desert. Then it started to rain. But it stopped right away. I found a pair of skates, but skates don't work in the desert. Then I met a person. The first person I'd met since that person that blew up. Man it was nice to see another person after 600 years. That's a long time you know. But then I realized they were just a cardboard cutout. So I used that to start a fire, because even in the desert it gets cold at night. That was the only night time fire I had the whole 800 years. So I slept for a long time and then awoke and decided I should leave the desert but I still had a couple hundred years to go yet. Then I found a flower growing there. I wanted to pick it to keep as my own... but then it would have died. So I figured it was best to leave it. But it was hard. I kept going back to the flower. It took me over a hundred years to finally say goodbye to the flower. Then I walked for a hundred years more in the desert and then just as it started to get rocky and hurt my feet I came up to a desk with a chair, and a computer on it. I sat at the computer, and started posting on internet forums. That was four years ago....